Trends, as we all know, are cyclical. At some point, your sartorial past is going to come back to haunt you, and for me and Lindsey, that point is now, apparently. So many of the things we wore and loved (and didn’t wear and hated) are cropping up in stores, some thoughtfully updated with a twist – ribbed crop tops are way cuter when they’re made of plain old cotton instead of whatever that disgusting 90s synthetic fabric was, for instance – and some looking as if they materialized unscathed from a rip in the time-space continuum (I’m talking to you, mini backpack purses. I REFUSE). But what’s it like wearing the stuff you wore in your teens in your thirties? Personally, I love trends, and I refuse to act like I’m too good for them. So this begs the question: can an old dog squeeze into her old tricks? We’re here to find out, and we’re starting with jeans.
We’ve seen many iterations of the jean over the years: baggy and shapeless, bell-bottomed, acid-washed, flared, tapered, low-rised and whale-tailed, high-waisted, distressed – even pleated. And now it seems like we’re reaching back into the past to swirl many of these things together again, with vastly differing degrees of success.
To see what the world has to offer us in the way of cutting-edge novelty denim, Lindsey and I headed to Lenox, because between Topshop, Zara, Urban Outfitters, and Forever 21, we figured we were bound to discover a plethora of options. And we were not disappointed.
Topshop yielded the most variety, and we started there. The trend we saw most frequently overall was embellished mom jeans, and we found some great ones here. First, these bedazzled beauties on Lindsey:
In my opinion, these were totally fab, and I can see them looking just as cool with a clean pair of sneaks as with cute heels like Lindsey’s. Lindsey said she was “surprised how much [she liked] these.”
There was a ton of cool embroidery to be seen, and I liked almost all of it, but these were the only ones they had in my size:
Pretty awesome, right? I seriously considered buying them, except that I never wear orange and don’t particularly like it. If one of the floral options I’d tried had ended up fitting, I probably would’ve taken the plunge. Verdict: crystals and embroidery are cool.
Next, we went a little more avant-garde and chose two of the weirdest pairs of jeans we could find.
Here we have Lindsey, modeling the latest in observation window chic. I didn’t hate these and actually thought Lindsey was kind of pulling them off, but she noted that they made her knees sweaty, which is admittedly kind of a weird thing for pants to do.
Totally irredeemable, on the other hand, were these flared abominations:
I mean, WTF. Where to start. First, it looks like I’m wearing a clown shirt as pants. Second, who has ever looked at a pair of jeans and thought, “You know what that needs? A calf ruffle.” I mean, someone, apparently, but to that person I say: honey, it’s gonna be all right. We’re here to help you. Third, who is this supposed to look good on? It’s like these jeans were a lab experiment designed to be as unflattering as possible on each and every human woman ever to encounter them. Normally I am happy to identify a trend as “not for me,” and move on, but this is where I draw the line. NO ONE SHOULD WEAR THESE. THESE SHOULD NOT EXIST. I kept saying over and over, “These are the worst things I’ve ever put on my body.” And that’s coming from someone who wore a Cracker Barrel apron every day for three years. Actually, now that I think about it, a Cracker Barrel might be the only place it’s okay to wear these pants.
I had one more pair to try at Topshop, and they are similar to a pair from ASOS that I texted a picture of to Lindsey a couple of months ago with the message, “These are kind of ugly but I also think I need them?” The Topshop version is a little less distressed than the ASOS pair and felt oddly preppy for that reason, but these were still hella cute:
While I didn’t buy them, I definitely plan to revisit the ASOS pair and possibly pull the trigger.
Our next stop was Urban Outfitters, which was surprisingly low in trendy denim options (and out of my size in EVERYTHING), but we managed to find a couple of mildly wacky designs.
These were pretty cute, and Lindsey “[wasn’t] mad at them.” The only perplexing thing was the theme or lack thereof in regards to the print. Like, what do playing cards, feathers, and spaceships have in common, you guys? Is this something we’re too old to get? Is it related to some gross sexual act we can find on Urban Dictionary? Help us out.
These were inexplicably SO LOW RISE. I didn’t even know they made low rise jeans anymore; I thought we had all agreed that they are terrible and no one wants to worry about their ass falling out of their pants all the time when LITERALLY YOUR PANTS’ ONLY JOB IS TO COVER YOUR ASS. Anyway, these could totally be cute on someone else, but I hated them, not only because I couldn’t squeeze my undercarriage into them but because I’m not personally a fan of the patch-and-repair detail.
Last, we have our piece de resistance, the cherry on top of the Trend Alert sundae, and it is these beauties from Zara:
Lindsey HATED these. She hated them so much. But I must confess to you that I not-so-secretly loved them on her. In my opinion, they possess that magic quality of being so ugly that their ugliness bends back on itself and becomes transcendent. These trendy jeans are what all other trendy jeans aspire to be. They are a piece of art that reminds us that, despite everything, there has never been a better time to be alive, that man’s imagination truly has no limits.
…But they didn’t have them in my size, so I guess I’ll just have to cherish their memory and know that sometimes beauty is meant only to be experienced, not possessed.
To recap: my favorites were the embroidered mom jeans from Topshop, Lindsey’s were the bejeweled mom jeans, also from Topshop, and all of them could be great on the right person. Except those ruffle hem ones. Fuck those.
That’s it for us this week, lovelies! What denim lewks are you loving? What other trends would you like to see us try? Let us know in the comments and on Facebook, and be sure to follow us on Instagram if you don’t already for lots of fresh daily content. We love you! C U Next Tuesday!