Hello and welcome, kittens! So, you may or may not have noticed that our name has taken on a slightly less serious tone of late. That’s because, as it turns out, Taylor and I are not serious people. We’re a couple of idiots, and in addition to wanting to talk about clothes and beauty products, we also want to do dumb shit like write recaps of Lifetime movies and reviews of Diva Cups (IT’S COMING). We needed a name that felt more like us, so welcome to Resting Bitch Face. We’re starting off this fresh new blog with a lady fresh out of the slammer in LMN’s brand new original Mommy’s Prison Secret. We hope you enjoyed this explanatory intro, now let’s get into the real post, shall we?
In our family, Lifetime original movies are an event to be celebrated — each one with its own plot devices that are exactly the same as every other LMN original’s plot devices, each one pretending to be something different than all the other ones it’s exactly like. Lifetime obviously plays very fast and loose with the term “original,” but there’s something comforting in knowing that if the man is in the kitchen making some kind of Italian red sauce on the stove, kitchen towel slung casually over his shoulder, he’s definitely a murderer. And we like knowing that there will always be the best friend who just so happens to know someone in the FBI who can do our protagonist a solid and run a background check on the new dude she’s been seeing right quick. Unfortunately, nine times out of ten, that friend ends up dead, but you know, life’s not fair for nosy-ass friends sometimes. And we absolutely live for the killer’s climactic monologue in which he or she has our protagonist tied up and is painstakingly going over the minutia of how he or she was wronged by the protagonist however many years ago. There is inevitably a part in this speech where the killer, overcome by this psychotic episode, scratches his or her head with the murder weapon, and this is usually juuuust enough time for the police to get there before anyone dies.
So tonight we celebrate Lifetime and recap for you here, the LMN Original Movie, Mommy’s Prison Secret.
We begin this sordid tale in a suburban house, because obviously. It’s morning and Mommy has just discovered some brand new crows feet while staring at herself in the foyer mirror (like you do). Enter Hipster Dad, a younger man with a too well-manicured beard who looks less like a Lifetime actor and more like an artisanal beard wax model with at least a 10K strong Instagram following. He promptly attaches himself to her from behind and assures her through the mirror that she’s beautiful. She brushes him off like the prude that she is (can’t a lady just look at her new crows feet in peace? GOD.), and I do think that this dynamic will come into play later in the movie.
Cut to 16 year old Bianca with the bad attitude, upstairs in her bedroom face timing boyfriend Neal while trying on shirts. It seems at this point that Neal and Bianca will play a large role in this movie. They won’t.
Mom drops Baby Bianca off at school and she mentions in passing that she’s embarrassed of Mommy. We aren’t entirely sure why, but can use our context clues from the not-so-subtle title, that it’s probably because Mommy is actually Prison Mommy. This is confirmed exactly three seconds later when Prison Mommy is at her parole officer’s appointment and they are discussing her three year sentence for her 2 DUI’s and some glove box weed that was confiscated during her traffic stop. In this exchange, we also learn that Prison Mommy’s sentence was knocked down to 1.5 years, she is now officially off parole, and the prison warden had just died mere days before.
Parole Officer also casually mentions that he’s going on a fishing trip that weekend.
Now that Prison Mommy is officially liberated, he asks her “How are you going to celebrate your newfound freedom?”
Prison Mommy doesn’t answer, but we jump cut to her in a field shooting a gun at some cans, natch. I mean, I don’t know, but I have a feeling that gun will come back into play before this masterpiece is over with.
Now we’re at Crisp Market, getting red wine with Prison Mommy. She’s looking at some oranges when she spots her former clinkmate over by the potato chips rocking a sick Mohawk Mullet and babydoll T.
Prison Mommy doesn’t make eye contact and hurries to check out, but register lady is taking way too long to ring up her 5 packages of hamburger buns. Seriously, why does she need that many buns, they’re a family of three.
Naturally Prison Mommy can’t find her wallet and register lady is giving her some savage ‘tude, seemingly out of nowhere. I think we’re supposed to assume it’s because the entire town knows about her time in the slammer and is obviously judging the shit out of her at every possible opportunity. In swoops in Clinkmate Megan Flannigan, who pays for the buns and then invites herself over to the house to catch up. Prison Mommy declines and goes on about her day.
At this point, we are all really confused as to where the “Secret” part of “Mommy’s Prison Secret” comes in, because seemingly the entire family – and town – knows about it.
Now we see Prison Mommy and fam dining al fresco with their 14 packages of hamburger buns when it starts raining, and I am immediately impressed with the director’s use of metaphor to convey Prison Mommy’s freedom parade being rained on.
They move the bun feast inside, and uh oh, doorbell! It’s Clinkmate Megan Flannigan, soaking wet yet still somehow managing to keep her lipstick on her face. She invites herself in. After three bottles of ill-advised wine, dinner chat starts getting deep. Megan won’t tell the family what she was in for, but she does go into great detail about the undeniable bond that sharing a cell with someone creates. It is at this point that we speculate the “secret” might be of a sexual nature…
Megan says she’s going to stay at the house for a while. She’s got some kind of dirt on Prison Mommy and she is using it to obtain free lodging.
This obviously pisses Prison Mommy off, so she and Hipster Dad start fighting in bed. At one point he says to her “Are you ever going to forgive me?” and we then learn that the glove box weed was his! WHAT A DICK. He goes downstairs in a huff (and in nothing but his boxer briefs) and whom should he encounter but ole Megan Flannigan standing in front of the fridge drinking juice straight out of the bottle like a monster. Hipster Dad tells Meg about the fight while she sexily eats ice cream in front of him. Who drinks orange juice and eats ice cream at the same time, btw?
Oh, right. Monsters.
It’s here where my sister-in-law interjects with the most acute observation of the evening:
“The husbands in Lifetime movies are so stupid.”
Yes, yes they are.
It’s morning and daughter Bianca and Clinkmate are becoming fast friends. Prison Mommy sees them through the window and then promptly loads her gun.
Bianca’s boyfriend, Neal, comes out from behind some bushes in the back yard and we all agree that he looks like a cross between a long lost 4th Hanson and Travis Birkenstock. Megan immediately starts hitting on Neal once Bianca walks away… oh wait nevermind, she just lifted his wallet.
Cut to dinner with Prison Mommy, Hipster Dad, and some random friend who very conveniently knows more about Megan than we do. She asks Hipster Dad why they’re letting her stay with them and he doesn’t say “Boobs” like we thought he was going to.
Some other insignificant stuff happens with Bianca and Neal here, but who cares.
The next day, Prison Mommy tries to have Clinkmate arrested but instead gets handcuffed herself for some reason (?). I would tell you the pretext for the arrest attempt, but I don’t believe the audience was ever given that information. In any case, we then learn that Prison Mommy did something to get Clinkmate six months in solitary. What did she do??? We don’t know!!! But Megan is now telling Prison Mommy that she has to make it up to her by taking a package into the prison for her. What’s in the box?!?!?!
Prison Mommy goes into the house after the unsuccessful arrest attempt and starts snooping through Megan’s bag while she’s distracted in the garage taking her bra off in front of Hipster Dad. She pulls out a generic ratty postcard that says “Paradise” on it or something. It seems like this is significant, and I think it kind of is, but I don’t really ever understand why by the end of the movie.
Prison Mommy is now on her way to the jail with what we assume is ‘the package.’ The security guards change shifts just as they get to her bag, and the new guard looks very suspiciously at a PB&J on white in there. What’s in the sandwich? Turns out nothing. Megan was just testing Prison Mommy, and she passed, but now she’s threatening to hurt Bianca if she doesn’t take the real sandwich in next time.
Prison Mommy calls Probation Officer to tell him what’s going on, but he’s fishing, remember? And you definitely can’t answer a phone while also holding a fishing rod.
Prison Mommy and Hipster Dad are having a post-coital convo. Uh oh. He asks how she got an early release and she’s starting to open up – the warden asked if she would help him out because Megan was bringing drugs into the prison. Prison Mommy found out where the stash was and told the warden. So that’s it, you guys. That’s all it is. Our fearless protagonist is a snitch. And we all know what happens to snitches: they get revisited by former inmates and asked to put drug sandwiches in their pants.
Hipster Dad asks what she’s going to do and Prison Mommy says she wants to do this her way. We think that might involve the gun from before….
Parole Officer is now back from fishing, and Prison Mommy just told him the whole story, but someone called while they were chatting and now he wants to see the contents of her purse – uh oh – there are LOTS of pills in there, you guys. OH SHIT, he’s in on it! He’s telling Prison Mommy that she’s looking at 25-life unless she brings that sandwich in.
Prison Mommy is pissed and she rips that postcard up from before in front of Megan. Megan starts crying. Still don’t know the significance of the post card.
She’s now going back into the jail and the prison guard is suspicious that there’s no sandwich in her bag this time. Oh wait, the sandwich was just in her pants, nvm. Also, gross.
So, she made the drop and now she’s having a heart to heart with Parole Officer in his car. She tried to catch him admitting his involvement on her phone that was visibly recording him from the front pocket of her army jacket. He sees the phone, because he’s not an idiot, and takes it from her. She exits the car and OH SHIT SHE HAD ANOTHER RECORDER IN A DIFFERENT POCKET. Those army jackets are super good for collecting evidence, guys. So many pockets to hide recording devices in.
Now Megan has kidnapped Bianca and tells Prison Mommy to meet her by the lake. Prison Mommy goes and points the gun at Megan. Bianca is locked in the trunk of her car. There’s a brawl. Megan wrestles the gun away, but then immediately drops it for some reason and gets into the car. Prison Mommy shoots Megan in the arm and then she reverses into the lake. The car’s sinking and Bianca is screaming. Prison Mommy runs in flailing and rescues Bianca. Megan has disappeared.
We’re back at Crisp Market now, and we see a magazine at the register with a picture of Prison Mommy on the cover and some headline about her being a hero. The cashier from before is super nice to her now and offers to give her her hamburger buns for free while casually mentioning something about how Megan was never found. (Mommy’s Prison Secret: Pt. 2???)
Prison Mommy and Hipster Dad are drinking wine and laughing at home while a shitty song plays.
Welllllll, that’s it for us this week! We hope you enjoyed the new blog, and we might be Resting Bitch Face now, but we’ll still C U Next Tuesday 😘
Extra Credit: We always like to end every venture into the complex world of cinema with a little bit of side work to keep our brains nice and stimulated, so if you’d like to continue conjecturing on this LMN tour de force, here are some critical thinking questions to consider:
- What was the deal with the postcard, seriously?
- Who killed the warden and what even was the significance of that?
- Why was Neal in this movie?
- What was the purpose of telling us about Probation Officer’s fishing trip?
- What is the appropriate number of hamburger buns per person for a family of three?
Give us a shout here or on our FB page if you’d like to join the conversation.