The Mall of America is a Cross Between a Dystopian Satire and the Best Stoned You’ve Ever Been

Happy Almost Thanksgiving, turkeys! And look at us actually posting two weeks in a row! See, there are still things to be thankful for these days. You’re welcome. In the spirit of my recent move to Minnesota and our impending Black Friday (but actually Thursday) consumerist gluttony, I thought now would be an apropos time to tell you all about my new favorite place on earth…


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Ok so first of all, we need to address the most obvious reason that this mall is a complete parody of itself and therefore the love of my life. No, it’s not the full sized amusement park in the middle of it. No, it’s not the fact that there is a Rainforest Cafe, a Bubba Gump Shrimp Company, a Buffalo Wild Wings, and a Jimmy Buffett’s Margaritaville anchoring the food court. You guys. It’s the fact that…


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I am not shitting you right now. We circled every level of this place, even the 3rd floor reject level (more on that later), to find and photograph every last MOA Lids for you, and there they are in all of their professional sports loving glory. It really makes you wonder, if a Lids store opens in a forest, does it still get customers? Probably yes based on the need for SIX LIDS STORES IN A SINGLE MALL. I mean, this mall is huge, but Jesus Christ. You can’t throw an Auntie Anne’s mini pretzel dog without hitting a Lids store up in this bitch. I can’t get over it, you guys. I’m just imagining every badger in every wooded area in the entire state of Minnesota running around in their sick Timberwolves gear they just got at the new Chengwatana State Forest Lids location and I’m dying. I can’t wait for Lids stores to start opening up in Target next to Starbucks. I can’t wait until in every photograph taken of me from now on I keep having more and more Minnesota sports team apparel on until finally I’m just straight up wearing a full-on Nordy costume because all other clothing stores have ceased to exist here except for Lids. Ok, I’m done. Let’s move on.

So, I feel like I’m not alone in stating that people who work at mall kiosks give me the fucking creeps, and I will avoid making eye contact or coming within seven feet of them at all costs. That being said, if it’s a mall kiosk that will use magic to insert a picture of my dog into a cube of “crystal” for only $20 per object I AM HERE FOR IT.

Mom, if you’re reading this, I know I told you last week that I absolutely will not be sending you a Christmas list because I’m not eight years old anymore, buuuuut there’s been a slight change of plan. All I want for Christmas is a 2D to 3D crystal cube of Pepe, please thank you.

Ok, next up on the reasons that this place is what dreams are made of…

There’s a storefront that’s just a holding cell for a shuttle that takes you to a casino. If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like being stuck in purgatory, I feel pretty confident that hanging out at Mystic Lake in the Mall of America is an accurate representation of that experience without actually having to be dead.

Also, there’s this.

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It’s like the Mall of America woke up one morning and was like “You know what this place needs? A ME store.” The complete lack of humility here is awe-inspiring. Like, I get that you have rollercoasters, but let’s be real, you’re not Cedar Point. Nobody needs a flimsy orange pullover to brag to other people that they’ve been to you, but I love your confidence and fake it ’til you make it attitude with this store. I will say, though, that the period at the end of the name is a bit aggressive.

Finally, let’s talk about that reject floor. I dare you not to immediately think of Idiocracy when/if you make it up here. The third floor of this place is a magical wonderland of stores that should only exist in cartoon malls and the hallucinatory corridors of your brain on drugs. Stores like “Alpaca Connection”, “Beef Jerky Experience”, “Pepper Palace”, “Panera”, and these other instant classics:

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It’s literally just a store that sells socks. 
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Wonder if the Mall of America has a ME 3D of itself? 

And my personal favorite…

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Nothing comes between me and #mypillow. 

I would also be utterly remiss not to bring this to your attention:

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Why, yes, that is indeed a Spencer’s next to the Amazing Mirror Maze on the third floor. Obviously I went in, and not to fear, their inventory has literally remained unchanged since 1998. It’s like walking into a time capsule put together by that dude from your 7th grade class who wore Big Johnson t-shirts every day.


And finally, y’all know I wasn’t about to leave without hitting up the Great American Cookies for that M&M Sug Cook. OKAY.

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I can’t stress this enough. This place is the shit. Also, there’s a Shake Shack here, so what more do you really need to know. I do sincerely wish they served a different type of fry than crinkle, but that’s a topic for another day.

So, that’s it for us this week! What are y’all doing for Thanksgiving? Black Friday? Did you know that Target has a Christmas decor sale every Black Friday that’s $50 off your purchase of $100 and it’s the second best thing that has ever happened to me besides the Mall of America? What’s on your Christmas list now that you know you can get a 3d image of whatever you want inserted into a crystal? Hit us up! Otherwise, we’ll C U Next Tuesday!






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